I woke up this morning with my heart in my throat. It hit me like a ton of bricks that this trial is just 10 weeks away. I suddenly feel like one big exposed nerve ending. That’s the only way to describe it. Anticipatory anxiety is the worst and I’m afraid mine will consume me between now and then.
I will try any and everything to distract myself when I’m feeling like this. I’ve been ok during the day, but as evening approaches, I begin to deteriorate. I’m having irrational feelings and responses to so many things lately. It’s a kind of unsecure feeling that I haven’t experienced in years and it upsets me that I’m in this place again.
My saving grace is the way the brain works in situations like this. When the feelings become too much to handle my brain takes over. It blocks access to all the scary shit stored in there. This gives me a much needed break from myself. Like grief, any emotional upset comes in waves. That reassures me that if I stick it out, these feelings will pass. And each time they return it’s a little less overwhelming.
So I’m reminding myself that my most important job between now and July is self care. That can manifest itself in almost any form. Distraction really is the easiest way for me to both nurture and soothe myself. Even the most mundane tasks can get me outside of my head and give me a feeling of accomplishment.
Today’s list includes; a haircut, changing my guitar strings and polishing her up, making some yummy corn chowder, and coloring a mandala or two. It’s the little things…
Im not sure how to finish this up, so I’ll let Sia do it for me❤