It’s crazy to me how many times I have felt re-victimized in the past two years. It happens in lots of different ways. Sometimes it’s from the defense, sometimes the prosecution and sometimes from the press.

One of these “requests” came from the prosecutor yesterday.  I could tell something was off, so I pushed a little… I was right. They were not keeping me in the loop when it came to the release of personal information, AGAIN. I have been on the receiving end of half truths, or really vague responses from the county in the past, so I became anxious, very quickly. I spent the better part of the afternoon and evening on pins and needles, my therapist advocating one thing,  and the state victim’s advocate another.

I don’t like surprises. Lots of folks don’t enjoy them. For trauma survivors they can set off full blown PTSD symptoms, in seconds. I know there will always be surprises, things that are unknown and I do my best to let them roll of my back. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. I have been very clear with the folks at the county office that I need a heads up, when some new request/requirement, is made of me. I don’t need anything big, maybe a text from my advocate, an email letting me know something formal is coming in the mail. A simple explanation is all I need to stay centered.

When the allegations and indictments first came down, the news hit the press right away. The first article was fair, I thought. Then a few weeks later someone wrote a letter to the editor singing the perpetrator’s praises. I noticed in every news article after that, the writer used a quote from that opinion piece. I was horrified. Obviously, I stopped reading the news.

Why, though? Why is he given the benefit of the doubt in court and in the press. Why should a plea agreement which would amount to a slap on the wrist, be on table at all? Because he’s old and retired now? That bullshit. He’s a monster who will never stop until he’s forced to.

I know the end is in sight. Trial date set for the end of July (God help us if they postpone it again) and that’s not too far. I should be thankful I don’t have much longer to wait. It’s just that I’m feeling really worn down and so beyond tired… of all of it.

I have a phone conversation this afternoon where I have been promised I’ll be brought up to speed.  It’s barely seven am and I’m already anxious about what I’m going to hear. So today is going to be one of those “distraction days” I have written about. Just have to find the right one for me.

Wishin’ I was home again today. My favorite distractions are in Mid-Coast Maine. Most of my favorite people are there too…

Missing my old friends 💔

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