I think I’ve always been susceptible to outside influences, we all are to some extent. There are several “influences ” who have been very vocal about what I can and/ or should do about any number of things regarding trial. To expand; what I’m describing is someone who I trust to some extent, who has a set opinion or feels strongly about something that I’m struggling to figure out. Every time I just “follow” someone else’s suggestion, without doing the inner work myself, I’m giving my personal power away.
I’ve also noticed lately that even the smallest amount of pessimism really gets to me. My whole life folks have been trying to get me to do things “their way.” And in attempting to be the good Christian girl, I bent myself all up trying to be what others said I should be.
Funny how when I came out after college, those very same folks dropped my like a hot potato. I think they realized I was beyond saving at that point. With the pressure I felt to measure up lessened by the loss of those judgy folks, I was able to find my own moral compass. I had been searching desperately for it my whole life.
Forward to present. I am feeling that strain again, the pressure of people wanting me to do things “their way.” Hearing folks talking at me about decisions I need to make had set me on a huge emotional roller coaster. I was so tired of trying to listen to all the chiming in, I finally hit a wall. I remember that I worked way too hard to find that still, small place inside where my answers come, to lose it now. I have to feel good about the decisions I make and I owe myself that much.
I do need love and support, more than ever right now. But it needs to come in the form of affirmation and encouragement. No more “Well, you need to…” or “I would … if I was you”
One big decision came over the weekend. After I had a chance to go inward and listen to my moral compass, I knew exactly what to do. And as I’m reminded more and more frequently, no one else will make those decisions for me again.