Another week closer to the big day. I’m counting the days because I am white knuckling it. I can’t wait for this to be over, one way or the other. I’m sad to say, the old self blame and shame is rearing it’s ugly head this morning.

I was told years ago, whenever I’m feeling like any of this is my fault to look at pictures of myself as a small child. Getting outside my “current” self and seeing that little kid reminds me that I did nothing to deserve this.

As I get older, I notice fewer and fewer pictures show me without that sadness behind my eyes. I can’t bear to look at those ones when I’m feeling down, so I have to choose carefully.

The main reason for this exercise is to connect me to that sweet kid and let go of the blame. In addition, it connects me with that determination to see this through. For the younger me who couldn’t fight back. It works really well when I find a happy picture like this one:

I have to admit it feels crappy that I’m still struggling with these basic feelings of self loathing/ blame. I am thankful for the fact that the old tape runs through my head only occasionally. 

And I always remind myself. I did the best I could in any situation at any point in my life. I can’t judge while looking back… I didn’t have all the wisdom and life experience I do now. 

That last sentence is really key for me. I’ve worked hard trying to eliminate ALL forms of blame and shame from my life. There’s just no reason for it. And I feel so much lighter just loving❤


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