It’s cold and rainy today, both outside and in. I can’t find that internal optimism that I like to think is the bedrock of who I am. Days like this I wonder what I’m doing, still pushing to get closure on this “thing” that won’t go away.

I have given everything in me to do what I felt like was the “right thing” to do. The “courageous thing” to do. I’ve got nothing left, I’m tired of fighting, struggling, hurting. Is it really worth all this to take the stand and call HIM out. This case is over 30 years old with no forensic evidence, can we really get a guilty verdict? Folks keep saying, “This will be so empowering for you no matter how it turns out” Or, ” You need to do this because… blah, blah, blah.” The truth is, they have no clue.

All I really want is peace. A little patch of land, surrounded by Mother Nature’s gifts and a vocation that brings me joy. How much longer do I have to wait. When is it my turn to just be.

I get that suffering is part of the human condition, we all suffer as we make our way through life. I’m just soooo past suffering about my childhood. I have enough on my plate with what life in the present is sending my way. I dunno…

I usually end things on a positive note, mostly because I don’t want to be a downer, or have folks think I can’t handle this. But the truth today is, I can’t handle all this, I just can’t, I don’t even want to.


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