Many years ago I told a friend of mine that I was at the end of my rope. Her quip was, “Well, tie an knot and hold on!” I feel like I’ve been “holding on” for a lifetime now.
Well, I realized that’s what’s happened with all this trial crap. I’m scared shitless, so I’m trying to make sense of things. The way I do that is to put things in order, to plan, to strategize. These almost feverish attempts to make “things” doable, is the cause of my worsening fear and anxiety.
Right now, today there is nothing I can do to effect change in the outcome of the trial. Right now, today I can’t be prepped for my testimony. Right now, today I can’t book lodgings and handle details. And, on and on…
A few days ago things came to a head and, well basically my brain and heart almost exploded from stress. I knew I couldn’t do it; I could not continue on like this. So, ya know what I did? I let go of that pesky rope I’ve been holding on to for decades.
Wow! What a feeling! And, I didn’t fall, everything else did. The stress, the fear, my racing mind, the compulsive need to make order from chaos. And the list goes on.
I sit here this morning with a quiet mind, a loving and supportive spouse, friends and family who love me, a brand new puppy and a really good cup of coffee…
Have I reached enlightenment? Hell no. Am I continually growing, stretching, and expanding? YES And that feels incredibly good🤗