I love to laugh. It’s my favorite thing to do. There’s nothing bad about it and I feel so good after. That being said, I am a sensitive soul. When you combine that with sustained childhood trauma, my tolerance for any teasing or poking fun, even in a lighthearted way is virtually nonexistent. I just get flustered and anxious.
I must admit there have been times where I didn’t laugh for years. I didn’t think the current popular jokes were funny, even if everyone else did. I literally didn’t understand them. And don’t even get me started on practical jokes!
For so long I thought the problem was me. That I was too naive or something. People used to tease me mercilessly about how gullible I was and that just exacerbated the problem. I can’t stand to be tricked, which is why I hate April fools day. All I see and hear is folks laughing at me because I didn’t get the joke.
I won’t get bogged down in the PTSD/ Trauma response, but suffice to say it was those deep wounds, the violation at such a tender age, that made it hard for me to process things. I am easily confused. Add to that the rigidity that comes with indoctrination I was subjected to and I was completely stifled.
I used to have a very hard time being silly. I was so busy trying to hold myself together that it was next to impossible. I just chalked it up to the way I was wired. Like I was a “stick in the mud” and I felt so sad about it. It was such a relief to find that isn’t me at all. I was injured body and soul, and that changes the way your brain functions and alters your abilities in many ways.
My favorite thing about silliness is there is no trickery, no need to “get” it, no teasing, and no laughing at someone else’s expense. Plus it’s just sooo much fun to be silly!
So I took baby silliness steps, with great trepidation at first. Next thing you know, I’m laughing again! Everyday, all the time! And I have found that folks respond in kind. I still can’t bear to be tricked or teased, and yes, sometimes the jokes go right over my head. But that’s ok, cause that laugh that comes from deep in my belly is back, and it’s here to stay!