I’ve been feeling kinda lost the last week or so. The trial was a major focus in my life the last 2 1/2 years. It’s the same feeling I get with any ending, even a good one. I remember when I finished undergrad, I had to figure out new way of “being.” I was happy and pleased with my achievements, but felt more than a little adrift.
That’s exactly how I’m feeling now. I can sense possibilities for the future, but have no clear vision. I need to rest and recharge. But more importantly, I need to dial things way back. It has taken my entire life up to this point for me to truly “get it.” The IT being that when shit hits the fan, when my world is spinning out of control, I need to focus inward.
A few months ago I got sick, and lost my voice for several weeks. I would try to speak and all that came out was a squeak. I kept forgetting, and tried to force it. I was finally reduced to coughing fits if I even opened my mouth. It was literally the worst kind of hell I could imagine. I always said the only way I could process was out loud. To say that I’m a talker would be a giant understatement! It took those 3 + weeks with no voice to get me to be quiet. Not just verbally, but once I gave up trying to communicate… I felt quiet inside.
That experience taught me the most powerful lesson I’ve learned about myself, maybe ever! When I quiet my body and mind completely, the answers to the questions both spoken and unspoken come effortlessly. Maybe my years of practicing meditation and guided hypnosis finally paid off!
It’s time to go inside. I don’t know how to “be” in the world as it is. I can’t feel a purpose, or even a way to channel all this anxiousness that comes with not “knowing.” Tomorrow morning I board the bus, and off I go to immerse myself in what feeds my soul, music and Mother Nature.
Thanks to my incredibly supportive spouse, I can leave everything behind for a few days and just BE. Since the bus doesn’t allow animals, I am leaving her to care for our 4 fur kiddos. One of which is only 12 weeks old! I don’t know what I’d do without her, she really is my teammate, my partner in crime, my best friend, and my biggest supporter.
I’m sure I’ll be doing a lot of writing, and probably a shit ton of crying. But I can feel that little spark inside already getting warmer. Because I am on the other side of all this. And that means there’s room for a whole new beginning ❤️