Websters Dictionary describes solitude as
: the quality or state of being alone or remote from society.
That is exactly what I’ve been needing, and what I’ve been fighting against most.
This past weekend I spent in solitude, basically because the universe pulled rank on me and I got sick. It was my cousin’s graduation party and a trip to see my new baby niece! I was heart sick to miss out, but of course I knew I couldn’t go if I had a cold. Sweet little Kilei is not even two months old!
Six weeks later, she is still just under seven pounds, but thriving
I was really bummed to miss out on the chance to go home, to hold her, she’s just so fresh and new! But the decision had been made for me. I couldn’t risk infecting this precious little person.
In an attempt to lighten my load, my spouse took our new puppy Arrow with her so I didn’t have to worry about a rambunctious 13 week old. It was nice not to be feeding, walking, feeding, walking etc all day long but I missed this sassy pup…
Pretty soon after my crew left for the weekend, I became restless, I decided to clean the house top to bottom. I had plans to organize and rearrange things. I made a whole list of things, thinking I was being productive. Well as bedtime neared I realized I was using all those “chores” as a distraction so I didn’t have to FEEL. Feeling is the scariest thing for me, because I associate it with painful memories.
As I have continued to do the inner work, more and more painful memories are surfacing, and it has been difficult to manage all the feelings bubbling up. I was processing with friends, I was writing constantly in a desperate attempt to make the scary feelings go away. It was not working.
Early Saturday morning I was sitting on my back porch having coffee (here’s a glance at my coffee spot)
and a butterfly came to visit. I’ve been in the city for two years now and have not seen a butterfly in that entire time. I watched in amazement at her presence. She fluttered all over my body, up and down almost touching my skin. This went on for almost a minute and then she flew away. I knew her visit was a message and I was eager to find out what.
I have an old set of medicine cards I use occasionally. More often than not, I use the book which describes each animal to see what these visits are meant to teach me. Butterfly did not disappoint! I don’t want to get bogged down in the details, but suffice to say I have passed through the chrysalis stage and I’ve got my wings!🤗
I sat back on my couch in amazement! I was feeling everything, thinking things I would never want anyone to know, without shame. I felt whole. And even more, I felt free. Those debilitating demons were nowhere to be found!
I spent the rest of the weekend just BEING. Feeling not an ounce of self doubt, guilt, or shame. And I actually enjoyed the quiet solitude. A friend recently told me I already have all the courage I need. It turns out she was right! I sat with all that scariness, and pretty soon I found I had released it, set it free. Just like my little butterfly ❤️