I woke up this morning feeling really inadequate. The symptoms I’m having from Congestive Heart Failure are so debilitating. I’m exhausted, can’t catch my breath, and any exertion makes me feel really woozy.
Little miss was up at 5 am as usual and ready for her walk. I have found this is the only time of day I can stand to be outside without gasping for air. And I enjoy our time, it’s quiet and peaceful in our neighborhood. We stop periodically so I can catch my breath and we practice her tricks. This also serves to keep her calm for the rest of the morning routine.
But today, I couldn’t do it. I literally could not get up and get her outside.
I feel like my body is failing me, and because of that, I’m failing others. I can’t give little Arrow her morning walk, I can’t go grocery shopping, take care of the house, or even do much cooking. I can’t “take care” of anything. And that leaves me without much of a sense of purpose.
I came across this recently and I’m trying to get there.
But I have to acknowledge that part of the reason I’m not able to do, or give is because I haven’t been listening to my body. I pushed and pushed way past its limit and I’m not the only one paying the price.
The hardest lesson for me really is listening to my body, my intuition and TRUSTING it to tell me what I need. That’s the kicker… trusting myself. After years of guilt, shame, self-loathing and feeling a real disconnect between my body and mind it has been one of my biggest hurdles. The thing is, lately I’ve realized I am trusting myself more than ever. But as with most things, it takes practice. And when it comes to my physical body, I have not been listening.
So here I sit. With a puppy who needs a walk, an exhausted spouse trying to get one more hour of sleep, and my worn out body. Figuring out how to maneuver through life with CHF is going to take time. And the only thing that’s gonna buy me time is caring for my physical form. I need to let the guilt and shame around my inabilities fall away and get back the optimism this girl had just a few weeks ago.
I’ve got a Ct scheduled this morning and I can’t “do nothing” between now and then, so I’m gonna breathe. Just Breathe…
I’ll leave you with a few quotes, the last one from my heart poet Ms. Plath❤️