I’m so punny😂

I love to laugh. It’s my favorite thing to do. There’s nothing bad about it and I feel so good after. That being said, I am a sensitive soul. When you combine that with sustained childhood trauma, my tolerance for any teasing or poking fun, even in a lighthearted way is virtually nonexistent. I just get flustered and anxious.

I must admit there have been times where I didn’t laugh for years. I didn’t think the current popular jokes were funny, even if everyone else did. I literally didn’t understand them. And don’t even get me started on practical jokes!

For so long I thought the problem was me. That I was too naive or something. People used to tease me mercilessly about how gullible I was and that just exacerbated the problem. I can’t stand to be tricked, which is why I hate April fools day. All I see and hear is folks laughing at me because I didn’t get the joke. 

I won’t get bogged down in the PTSD/ Trauma response, but suffice to say it was those deep wounds, the violation at such a tender age, that made it hard for me to  process things. I am easily confused. Add to that the rigidity that comes with indoctrination I was subjected to and I was completely stifled. 

I used to have a very hard time being silly. I was so busy trying to hold myself together that it was next to impossible. I just chalked it up to the way I was wired. Like I was a “stick in the mud” and I felt so sad about it. It was such a relief to find that isn’t me at all. I was injured body and soul, and that changes the way your brain functions and alters your abilities in many ways.

My favorite thing about silliness is there is no trickery, no need to “get” it, no teasing, and no laughing at someone else’s expense. Plus it’s just sooo much fun to be silly!

So I took baby silliness steps, with great trepidation at first. Next thing you know, I’m laughing again! Everyday, all the time! And I have found that folks respond in kind. I still can’t bear to be tricked or teased, and yes, sometimes the jokes go right over my head. But that’s ok, cause that laugh that comes from deep in my belly is back, and it’s here to stay!

To quote good old Uncle Albert from Mary Poppins…  “I love to laugh! Loud and long and clear. I love to laugh. It’s getting worse every year.” 😂🤣😂

Clarity hurts like hell

I’m shedding again. I’ve let so much fall away in the last few years that I honestly thought I was done. I know, silly me…

Clarity is what I strive for more than anything and yet it can be incredibly painful. I’ve learned, and am still learning that letting my heart hurt, letting myself FEEL the pain is the only way to release it. Feeling emotional pain was always scary for me. Physical pain is a breeze by comparison. 

I’m feeling the loss today and it really hurts. The thing is, the only thing I “lost” was an illusion, there was nothing tangible left of what once was a dear friendship.

I’d like to say those words to more than one individual, but I’ve learned the hard way the best thing for me is to say nothing. I can’t engage someone and let them go at the same time. Wow, I gotta read that last sentence again! Maybe even say it out loud a few times… Whatever it takes.

Like all things, this too shall pass.

I’ll leave you with some reminders that help me get through…


Let go of the Rope!

Many years ago I told a friend of mine that I was at the end of my rope. Her quip was, “Well, tie an knot and hold on!” I feel like I’ve been “holding on” for a lifetime now.

I’ve worked hard at letting go, in all its various forms, over the years. It lightens my spirit and simplifies my life, and I love the feeling. I often share quotes on the theme, which inspire me.


Well, I realized that’s what’s happened with all this trial crap. I’m scared shitless, so I’m trying to make sense of things. The way I do that is to put things in order, to plan, to strategize. These almost feverish attempts to make “things” doable, is the cause of my worsening fear and anxiety.

Right now, today there is nothing I can do to effect change in the outcome of the trial. Right now, today I can’t be prepped for my testimony. Right now, today I can’t book lodgings and handle details. And, on and on…

A few days ago things came to a head and, well basically my brain and heart almost exploded from stress. I knew I couldn’t do it; I could not continue on like this. So, ya know what I did? I let go of that pesky rope I’ve been holding on to for decades.

Wow! What a feeling! And, I didn’t fall, everything else did. The stress, the fear, my racing mind, the compulsive need to make order from chaos. And the list goes on.

 
I sit here this morning with a quiet mind, a loving and supportive spouse, friends and family who love me, a brand new puppy and a really good cup of coffee…

It’s all good.
I’ll leave you with my favorite contemplation by Pema Chodron. So fitting for today.

Have I reached enlightenment? Hell no. Am I continually growing, stretching, and expanding? YES And that feels incredibly good🤗

Raining on the inside 

It’s cold and rainy today, both outside and in. I can’t find that internal optimism that I like to think is the bedrock of who I am. Days like this I wonder what I’m doing, still pushing to get closure on this “thing” that won’t go away.

I have given everything in me to do what I felt like was the “right thing” to do. The “courageous thing” to do. I’ve got nothing left, I’m tired of fighting, struggling, hurting. Is it really worth all this to take the stand and call HIM out. This case is over 30 years old with no forensic evidence, can we really get a guilty verdict? Folks keep saying, “This will be so empowering for you no matter how it turns out” Or, ” You need to do this because… blah, blah, blah.” The truth is, they have no clue.

 
All I really want is peace. A little patch of land, surrounded by Mother Nature’s gifts and a vocation that brings me joy. How much longer do I have to wait. When is it my turn to just be.

 
I get that suffering is part of the human condition, we all suffer as we make our way through life. I’m just soooo past suffering about my childhood. I have enough on my plate with what life in the present is sending my way. I dunno…

I usually end things on a positive note, mostly because I don’t want to be a downer, or have folks think I can’t handle this. But the truth today is, I can’t handle all this, I just can’t, I don’t even want to.

It’s all about the details 

So, in case I haven’t mentioned it, this hurry up and wait shit has gotten really old! Mornings like this, all the little details keep swirling around in my head. All the things I need to do to be ready for the trial. I would feel better if I could focus my energy on taking care of these things… but I can’t even do that!

I’m talking about things like lodging, car rental, etc. The trial is taking place in a tourist town in the middle of the summer and I need a pet friendly place to stay for the week. It’s gonna be slim pickings if I don’t get something soon. The victims advocate informed me yesterday that I can’t book anything yet, in case the dates change AGAIN!😤😳

Dates possibly changing was the last thing I wanted to hear. And of course, at this stage of the game it’s less likely that they will move the trial. But, the perpetrator has a say as far as timing, and there are witnesses and another victim traveling from far away. So I need to prepare myself for possible changes, even this late in the game.

The reason I wanted to book my own lodgings was to minimize the chances HE will be nearby. I thought Airbnb/ VRBO would be great choices since he’ll most likely be at a local motel. Plus we are bringing the dogs with us. That way we could have some privacy and room for my sister in law who’s coming to look after them. Of course that is all up in the air now.

Good news is, we are heading home this weekend, so I just have to make it through the next two days. Fortunately I am able focus on some really good stuff (if only my mind would stop racing)! Like the fact that our new puppy is coming home with us on Saturday. We’ve been waiting for a long time and I am sure she will be a constant distraction; in the best kind of way❤


After we get our sweet pup, we are heading home to the coast to see our newest niece, born two weeks ago. What a tiny little thing she is. I am completely smitten 😍


So basically two more days of nerves and anxiety and I’ll have some great distractions. Wish me luck getting there…

This quote found its way to me this morning. As usual, the timing was perfect. I thought I’d pass it along!

Ramblings

I know the world is spinning on its axis as it should; people are going about their daily lives, as if things are normal. I  myself am stuck in an alternate universe all on my own.
Everywhere, folks are busy living… I am stuck in my head. 

Right after 45 was elected I saw Ani Difranco in concert and she said, half jokingly that she was going to have to start doing matinees. By the afternoon, she was done for the day. She’s describing exactly where I’m at. If I have to be “ON,” I only last a few hours before reality comes crashing back to me. When I’m really low, I pull out this tune which she sang that night…

I find that I am ok to function in the morning, but by the last matinee, I’m done for. I’m digging deep at this point because I can’t let my fear paralyze me between now and July 21. I’m trying to make sure I get the most important things done earlier than I used to, otherwise it just doesn’t happen. 

As usual my fur kiddos provide more comfort that a person could possibly need under normal circumstances ❤


Plus, this little sweetie is joining the family next weekend ❤

So I’ve got music and animal therapy, why am I not feeling better? Because no matter how I try to distract myself, it’s always there, in the back of my mind. Entering the courtroom; being in the same room with the predator who took my childhood from me. Folks keep telling me “He’s old, there’s nothing he can do to you” it doesn’t help a bit. The knowledge that I’m going to have to be in the same space as him makes me physically ill. I’m pretty good at not hyper focusing on this one fact but it does lurk close by, I can almost feel it…

Thinking about it for too long is the last thing I want to do, so I will sign off with a little Sia and tell myself she’s right!

Right at the edge

It’s been a little while since I’ve written. So much has been swirling around in my head. I needed to pull all the pieces apart in order to make some sense of things. I’ve dusted off the cobwebs in there and ready to refocus.

 
I saw this photo a couple of weeks ago and I can’t shake it. It is an incredibly powerful image,  so much so that I can see myself in it. I’ve been that person. I’ve been desperate to let myself fall and been held back by folks who refused to let me go, on more than one occasion. I am eternally grateful to those people; and for the fact that I’ve come out on the other side.

 

The mind is such a strange thing. I selected this photo to upload just now, and I see something completely different. I see myself, terrified at the edge of a precipice I have to jump from, but cannot see what comes after. I’m pretty much jumping blindly. Those ropes and arms; That’s the universe holding me tight til it’s time to do my thing.

 

I’ve got 8 weeks and two days until the trial begins. 8 more weeks up on the precipice, waiting to take the stand. I just need to focus on the arms that are wrapped around me, I don’t need to be ready to take that leap yet. And when the time comes I am hopeful there will be a soft place to land.