My much anticipated camping trip has been cancelled after a visit to the cardiologist. This week is now filled with testing to figure out how much damage there is to my heart, and what underlying causes there may be. I am also adjusting to my new reality of living with CHF. Before I got the official diagnosis, I could ignore symptoms, make excuses. But no more.
and a LOT of reading. I’m on Book 7 in the Outlander Series and I cannot put it down! I love the feeling of wanting to do nothing but read. And of course wondering what’s happening with the characters while you’re away🤣
As with all things, as evening approaches, the “feelings” begin to surface. Fear, sadness, insecurity, anger, and many more… This morning while I was journaling, I noticed resentment. That’s a particularly ugly feeling, in my book. I’m not resentful of anyone or anything, it’s more like a temper tantrum towards the Universe. Why now? Why this?
For more years than I care to admit I wanted to die. Life was too hard and I had a lot of healing I needed to do. I knew folks would be devastated if I committed suicide, so that wasn’t an option. I did wish for death to come some other way. I think back now, and I feel so sad for that girl who was full of pain she wanted to die.
The inner work I’ve done over the past few years has brought about lasting healing. I have been excited about life, looking forward to the future, making plans. And most of all actually feeling happy… on the inside! But I must admit, it’s been lurking in the back of my mind, wouldn’t it be just my luck if I did get some disease or serious medical issue. Especially now that I see a future where I’m happy and healthy.
I’m not sure what to do with this set of feelings just yet so I’m going to sit with them for a while. Then I’m going to get on about my day. What’s on today’s agenda, you ask? Getting fitted for a heart monitor, and hopefully a trip to the movies. I’ve been wanting to see Wonder Woman, mostly because I love Robin Wright…
There is a part of me that just wants to curl up in bed. I know I need to give myself time to adjust to my diagnosis and there is a lot about this disease that is beyond my control. BUT there is a lot I can control. Like attitude, self care, stress reduction. And that’s what I’m going to focus on.