His name is Thomas Packard

They took away my right to take the stand. They took away my chance to speak the truth for a jury to hear. They stripped me of my shot at Justice. But I will not be silenced by anyone. Never again.

 

Thomas Packard was the only Pediatrician in North Conway, New Hampshire in the 1980’s. He used his practice to violate innocent girls. He told mothers they had to leave the room. “Girls this age don’t want their moms around.” He would say. Once alone, he pounced.

 

He left the state in the 90s and worked for many years in New Mexico as a traveling Doctor. Destroy young lives every day. When he retired, he volunteered as a sex educator at a Juvenile Detention Center where his victims were literally locked in.

 

He was an active church member. He volunteered at the local soup kitchen. He raised money for charities. He led mission trips. He was and still is, a master in the art of deception. He is a dangerous predator allowed to live free. The local community has rallied around him, while vilifying those of us who came forward after all these years.

 
Once again the rich, the powerful, the leaders of communities are given free reign to inflict indescribable harm on the young and innocent. All that’s left for me to do is say the truth and try to let it go.

His name is Thomas Packard.

And it’s off again

So the trial has been postponed, AGAIN! We’ve never gotten this close to the date, so I was caught by surprise AGAIN! They won’t even give me a time frame. I was simply told it was cancelled until further notice. A little bit of back story…

Over a year ago I received a notification stating that I was required to release all my mental health records to the court. I had no idea this would happen and was very confused. My therapist explained this is a tactic used by the defense to intimidate the victims in a case of this nature. Her advice was to contact the advocate and let her know this was unacceptable.

Imagine my shock, when I learned that the request actually came from the prosecution! The advocate was just as surprised saying she’s never seen this happen. A letter of outrage from my Therapist and a few major mistakes later, the prosecutor was fired.

Skip ahead six months and a new prosecutor called to personally assure me that things would be different going forward. She said all the right things, and before you know it, I was back on board.

One thing that didn’t sit right was the fact that they were going ahead and petitioning the court to release our mental health records. She posed it in such a way so as to make it appear to be in my best interest. She said she wanted the judge to take notice that the prosecution was willing to work with them. So reluctantly I signed the papers that would release any and all mental health records for what is known as an In Camera Review.

An In Camera Review means only the judge can see the records and can only share exculpatory evidence. An example of that would be if I had ever said that I was not, in fact raped. Or if I was diagnosed as a compulsive liar. I knew they would not find anything of that nature so I signed off again. A piece of my heart broke, though. It was another huge violation.
Skip to last week. I got the call from my advocate saying the trial is off again. At that point I didn’t even care why, so I didn’t ask. She offered no explanation. As the days went by and my brain adjusted to this new reality, I began to wonder …

I called the victims advocate yesterday to ask the reason for yet another delay. Her texted response was “they have not received all the medical records requested.” It literally did not compute at first. So the trial has been put off indefinitely because they haven’t done a good job of collecting records they should never have asked for in the first place? Are you shitting me? For real?

I’m not one to feel sorry for myself for too long. If I have a pity party, I try to keep it short. But I’m … I don’t know, I can’t describe what I’m feeling. It really is indescribable. One thing I do know, is I smell a rat.

This perpetrator was the only Doctor in a small town, is very well connected, and has been treated with kid gloves because he’s old. I see bias in the news coverage and politics at the state attorneys office. Are they just stringing us along til he dies? Seriously, my best interests, and those of all the other victims, are clearly not a priority.

So I sit here this morning trying to channel my anger. But anger isn’t the most accurate word for what I’m feeling… I’m not sure there is one. And there’s no one involved with the trial I can turn to, no one who will give me a straight answer.

As usual, I’m trying to find a way to wrap things up nice and pretty. I just can’t because I’ve been left hanging yet again.

I’m so punny😂

I love to laugh. It’s my favorite thing to do. There’s nothing bad about it and I feel so good after. That being said, I am a sensitive soul. When you combine that with sustained childhood trauma, my tolerance for any teasing or poking fun, even in a lighthearted way is virtually nonexistent. I just get flustered and anxious.

I must admit there have been times where I didn’t laugh for years. I didn’t think the current popular jokes were funny, even if everyone else did. I literally didn’t understand them. And don’t even get me started on practical jokes!

For so long I thought the problem was me. That I was too naive or something. People used to tease me mercilessly about how gullible I was and that just exacerbated the problem. I can’t stand to be tricked, which is why I hate April fools day. All I see and hear is folks laughing at me because I didn’t get the joke. 

I won’t get bogged down in the PTSD/ Trauma response, but suffice to say it was those deep wounds, the violation at such a tender age, that made it hard for me to  process things. I am easily confused. Add to that the rigidity that comes with indoctrination I was subjected to and I was completely stifled. 

I used to have a very hard time being silly. I was so busy trying to hold myself together that it was next to impossible. I just chalked it up to the way I was wired. Like I was a “stick in the mud” and I felt so sad about it. It was such a relief to find that isn’t me at all. I was injured body and soul, and that changes the way your brain functions and alters your abilities in many ways.

My favorite thing about silliness is there is no trickery, no need to “get” it, no teasing, and no laughing at someone else’s expense. Plus it’s just sooo much fun to be silly!

So I took baby silliness steps, with great trepidation at first. Next thing you know, I’m laughing again! Everyday, all the time! And I have found that folks respond in kind. I still can’t bear to be tricked or teased, and yes, sometimes the jokes go right over my head. But that’s ok, cause that laugh that comes from deep in my belly is back, and it’s here to stay!

To quote good old Uncle Albert from Mary Poppins…  “I love to laugh! Loud and long and clear. I love to laugh. It’s getting worse every year.” 😂🤣😂

Clarity hurts like hell

I’m shedding again. I’ve let so much fall away in the last few years that I honestly thought I was done. I know, silly me…

Clarity is what I strive for more than anything and yet it can be incredibly painful. I’ve learned, and am still learning that letting my heart hurt, letting myself FEEL the pain is the only way to release it. Feeling emotional pain was always scary for me. Physical pain is a breeze by comparison. 

I’m feeling the loss today and it really hurts. The thing is, the only thing I “lost” was an illusion, there was nothing tangible left of what once was a dear friendship.

I’d like to say those words to more than one individual, but I’ve learned the hard way the best thing for me is to say nothing. I can’t engage someone and let them go at the same time. Wow, I gotta read that last sentence again! Maybe even say it out loud a few times… Whatever it takes.

Like all things, this too shall pass.

I’ll leave you with some reminders that help me get through…


Let go of the Rope!

Many years ago I told a friend of mine that I was at the end of my rope. Her quip was, “Well, tie an knot and hold on!” I feel like I’ve been “holding on” for a lifetime now.

I’ve worked hard at letting go, in all its various forms, over the years. It lightens my spirit and simplifies my life, and I love the feeling. I often share quotes on the theme, which inspire me.


Well, I realized that’s what’s happened with all this trial crap. I’m scared shitless, so I’m trying to make sense of things. The way I do that is to put things in order, to plan, to strategize. These almost feverish attempts to make “things” doable, is the cause of my worsening fear and anxiety.

Right now, today there is nothing I can do to effect change in the outcome of the trial. Right now, today I can’t be prepped for my testimony. Right now, today I can’t book lodgings and handle details. And, on and on…

A few days ago things came to a head and, well basically my brain and heart almost exploded from stress. I knew I couldn’t do it; I could not continue on like this. So, ya know what I did? I let go of that pesky rope I’ve been holding on to for decades.

Wow! What a feeling! And, I didn’t fall, everything else did. The stress, the fear, my racing mind, the compulsive need to make order from chaos. And the list goes on.

 
I sit here this morning with a quiet mind, a loving and supportive spouse, friends and family who love me, a brand new puppy and a really good cup of coffee…

It’s all good.
I’ll leave you with my favorite contemplation by Pema Chodron. So fitting for today.

Have I reached enlightenment? Hell no. Am I continually growing, stretching, and expanding? YES And that feels incredibly good🤗

Raining on the inside 

It’s cold and rainy today, both outside and in. I can’t find that internal optimism that I like to think is the bedrock of who I am. Days like this I wonder what I’m doing, still pushing to get closure on this “thing” that won’t go away.

I have given everything in me to do what I felt like was the “right thing” to do. The “courageous thing” to do. I’ve got nothing left, I’m tired of fighting, struggling, hurting. Is it really worth all this to take the stand and call HIM out. This case is over 30 years old with no forensic evidence, can we really get a guilty verdict? Folks keep saying, “This will be so empowering for you no matter how it turns out” Or, ” You need to do this because… blah, blah, blah.” The truth is, they have no clue.

 
All I really want is peace. A little patch of land, surrounded by Mother Nature’s gifts and a vocation that brings me joy. How much longer do I have to wait. When is it my turn to just be.

 
I get that suffering is part of the human condition, we all suffer as we make our way through life. I’m just soooo past suffering about my childhood. I have enough on my plate with what life in the present is sending my way. I dunno…

I usually end things on a positive note, mostly because I don’t want to be a downer, or have folks think I can’t handle this. But the truth today is, I can’t handle all this, I just can’t, I don’t even want to.

It’s all about the details 

So, in case I haven’t mentioned it, this hurry up and wait shit has gotten really old! Mornings like this, all the little details keep swirling around in my head. All the things I need to do to be ready for the trial. I would feel better if I could focus my energy on taking care of these things… but I can’t even do that!

I’m talking about things like lodging, car rental, etc. The trial is taking place in a tourist town in the middle of the summer and I need a pet friendly place to stay for the week. It’s gonna be slim pickings if I don’t get something soon. The victims advocate informed me yesterday that I can’t book anything yet, in case the dates change AGAIN!😤😳

Dates possibly changing was the last thing I wanted to hear. And of course, at this stage of the game it’s less likely that they will move the trial. But, the perpetrator has a say as far as timing, and there are witnesses and another victim traveling from far away. So I need to prepare myself for possible changes, even this late in the game.

The reason I wanted to book my own lodgings was to minimize the chances HE will be nearby. I thought Airbnb/ VRBO would be great choices since he’ll most likely be at a local motel. Plus we are bringing the dogs with us. That way we could have some privacy and room for my sister in law who’s coming to look after them. Of course that is all up in the air now.

Good news is, we are heading home this weekend, so I just have to make it through the next two days. Fortunately I am able focus on some really good stuff (if only my mind would stop racing)! Like the fact that our new puppy is coming home with us on Saturday. We’ve been waiting for a long time and I am sure she will be a constant distraction; in the best kind of way❤


After we get our sweet pup, we are heading home to the coast to see our newest niece, born two weeks ago. What a tiny little thing she is. I am completely smitten 😍


So basically two more days of nerves and anxiety and I’ll have some great distractions. Wish me luck getting there…

This quote found its way to me this morning. As usual, the timing was perfect. I thought I’d pass it along!